Self-care and self-soothing are both important skills to nurture.
Self-soothing is…Read the rest at Ellsworthlifeskills.com
NOTE: The Relationship Minute blog posts and the Personal Work Life Program has moved to a new web site and Facebook Page. Please visit us at Ellsworthlifeskills.com or visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/ellsworthlifeskills/
NOTE: The Relationship Minute blog posts and the Personal Work Life Program is moving to a new web site and Facebook Page. Please visit us at Ellsworthlifeskills.com or visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/ellsworthlifeskills/
When something goes wrong, most of us naturally respond by looking for someone to blame.
It always has to be someone’s fault, right? Not necessarily.
Trying to assign blame just results in a back-and-forth that leaves everyone feeling frazzled, defensive, and dissatisfied. And sometimes no one is to blame. It could have been a misunderstanding—a common result of two people interacting.
For example, let’s say you and your partner started watching a new show together. Your partner was on their phone the whole time, so later, you finish the show on your own.
The next day, your partner notices and says, “Hey! I wanted to finish that together!”
You have two options.
One is to agree that someone is to blame here and make sure it isn’t you.
“You were on your phone the whole time so I figured you wouldn’t care.”
The other option is to accept that there was a misunderstanding.
“Oops. I can see why you’re upset. I would feel the same way. Let’s find a new show we’re both excited to watch.”
No one is to blame here, so it doesn’t have to turn into a stressful conflict.
How would your next interaction go if you went into it believing that blame didn’t need to be assigned?
The Relationship Minute from The Gottman Institute, dated 13 February 2020. You can sign up here to get it delivered to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday morning.
Have you made New Year’s Resolutions for 2019? If not, you still have time.
According to data shared by Statista, 15% of people reported that their 2018 New Year’s Resolution was to “find love.”
Other popular New Year’s Resolutions included saving money, losing weight, and eating healthier. One goal notably absent from this list?
“Improve my relationship with my spouse/significant other.”
Setting goals to improve your relationship may not be the first thing that comes to mind at the turn of the calendar year. But being intentional about improving communication, trust, and satisfaction can yield significant positive change.
So commit to making 2019 the best year yet for your relationship.
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Most issues in a relationship are not solvable.
These kinds of problems are generally hard-wired into the relationship by virtue of your respective personalities.
You may be an introvert while they’re an extrovert. Maybe you’re neat and they’re comfortable with messiness. Maybe you’re an atheist and they’re a person of faith.
These things are not likely to change over the lifetime of your marriage. It doesn’t make sense to try to “resolve” them.
Prioritize dialogue instead. Not simply conversation, but an actual effort to understand your partner’s point of view.
That means learning to be curious and compassionate and creative about your perpetual issues.
It means learning to accept that difference doesn’t have to be painful.
It can simply be present.
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Take a guess. Money? Sex? Chores? Those are all good guesses, and likely accurate for many couples, but not true for all couples.
In an interview, Anderson Cooper asked John Gottman about the number one thing that couples fight about. His answer?
Nothing.
That’s right. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch!
For example, in the Love Lab, a couple fought over which TV show to watch. John determined that “it just happens” and they’re actually not fighting about the TV.
What they might really be fighting about is control, or sharing, or compromise. But none of that is expressed, so they’re really arguing over nothing!
So, if you find yourself in those kinds of fights with your partner, try to take a step back and ask them what’s really going. What’s the core issue here? What do they need from you? What do you need from them?
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Skimmers are nothing new, but now credit card scammers are placing them at the checkout line in retail stores. Watch this video from tonight’s CBS Evening News and see just how little time it takes them to place a skimmer.
During reunion and reintegration, couples will experience change and adjustment, just like they did when the deployment began. Sometimes this can be more stressful than any other part of the deployment process because of the conflicting expectations and changes that have occurred during the separation.
The reunion itself is often full of emotion and expectations. It can be an awkward mixture of excitement, joy, strife, apprehension, among other emotions. Both partners may need to renegotiate routines or responsibilities that were in place due to the deployment in order to find a good balance.
Be Realistic: Throughout the deployment both partners may be daydreaming about what it will be like to be home together. You may expect homecoming to be a passionate rendezvous, but when you are together you feel a little awkward and need some time to get comfortable together first. It is common that during the reunion, the deployer expects their partner to shower them with appreciation for the hardships they endured during the deployment. However, their partner may be looking for the same grand gesture. Instead of understanding that both experiences were challenging, couples may find ourselves in the “who had it worse” game in which neither person gets the validation they need and deserve.
Be Patient: Keep in mind that the deployer is coming home to a family in progress that has developed different routines. What about the partner who had to make the family budget? They may like doing it now, but the deployer expects to pick up that duty again. While one Airman was deployed, his wife started visiting her family twice a month. When he got back, she still wanted to go to her parent’s house often, but he expected that now he was back they would spend more of their time at home.
There can be many expectations on how to handle change. Sometimes the deployer expects things to go right back to the way they were before the deployment. There was one Airman who would read her 4 year-old daughter a bedtime story every night. It was something they both greatly enjoyed. When she got back from the deployment she assumed they would pick-up right where they left off. She was surprised and sad to find that her daughter was uninterested in story time. What do you think happened when she tried to enforce this routine? Sometimes this can cause tension among family members who are accustomed to the way things are. A realistic plan may be for the Airman to observe the new routines for a while and slowly join in when everyone is ready.
Communicate: Good communication can be defined differently by each couple based upon their experiences. However it is defined, good communication usually brings emotional safety for each partner. When one feels heard and able to understand the other person’s point of view, both are communicating well and experiencing emotional safety. Good, emotionally safe communication makes it okay to open up your heart to your partner. When you do your best to listen carefully to your partner, you make it safe for them to open up to you.
Many may have experienced times when their communication doesn’t look “good.” Sometimes your normal way of talking just isn’t working, but there’s something that needs to be talked through. Often couples keep trying over and over, or maybe they keep doing the same thing only louder. If this is the case for you and your partner, being able to use a method of talking that structures the conversation and allows both to listen will help good communication. One way of communicating that does this is the Speaker Listener Technique. You can learn about it from our Speaker/Listener Technique page that describes the steps.
There are choices to be made in communicating with your partner. When an Airman returned home, he found that his 15-year-old daughter was acting out at school. His wife was never strict with discipline, because that was a role he normally fulfilled with her support. But during his absence, his wife had allowed her to get away with many things that together they would not have. He had a choice to make. He could assert his power by enforcing new rules or he and his wife could brainstorm together and come up with other options that were reasonable and fair to everyone. They talked about it and agreed to let the daughter have input on the new rules. With consistent structure and guidance and by allowing her to have a say in important matter, her behavior improved and she was no longer getting into trouble at school.
Plan and prepare for the reunion with your partner just as you needed to prepare for the deployment separation. Some plans that you make may need to be readjusted as new events unfold. Be open to new ideas. Most importantly, stay connected and work as a team.
Airman & Family Readiness Center 